"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Miranda rights

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride.

5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to a lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

FOR SAFETY SAKE!

Don't ride in a car: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents

Don't stay at home: 17% of accidents occur in the home

Don't walk on sidewalks:14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians

Don't fly or travel by air or water:16% of all accidents happen by these.

Only .001 % of deaths occur in worship services in church, and these were all related to previous physical disorders. Hence the safest place for you (the stat's prove it) at any time is church. Bible study is safe to the percentage of deaths is even less there.

SO GO TO CHURCH IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
________________________________________

Can't vouch for the stats but I thought it was cute.

Harry

Thanks, Harry! The stats are probably pretty accurate!

Officer Beach sends this:

Hey brothers and sisters!

A brother officer gave me this list the other day and I thought I would share some of it with you. As the subject indicates, the title is "You might have been in law enforcement too long if...."

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a criminal background check on anyone who seems remotely friendly towards you.

You think everyone is automatically lying unless they can prove it to you.

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" is sufficient grounds for arrest.

You believe the government should require background checks and permits prior to reproduction.

You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it's really quiet tonight."

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can actually track.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You believe that "too stupid to live" is a valid verdict.

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not referring to the food group.

It occurs to you one night that you really have entered "The Twilight Zone."

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

You are told to deliver a human body part to the lab and you find youself talking to it in the car.

You are the only person introduced by profession at a social gathering.

You walk into places and people think it highly comical to seize a coworker and shout, "They've come to get you, Frank!"

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room in uniform and they think they are being hysterically funny AND original.

After having been in the business for 26 years, even though I found this funny, I saw several things I could relate to in this list. I realized once again what a lonely business this was and how very hopeless it felt sometimes before I knew Jesus. PTL!

Your brother in Christ,
Bill Beach
Romans 8:28

        Thanks, Bill!

Officer Allan sends this:

Heh heh, I think I can agree with some of Murphy's infinite insights into law enforcement as well. What do you guys think of some these -- sounds eerily familiar huh?

                                                                                                            Allan

Murphy's Laws For Law Enforcement ~

1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash suppressors don't really.

9. If you have `cleared´ all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapon. (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News´.

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksman, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

19. On any call, there will always be more `bad guys´ than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

GET OUT OF JAIL - STAY OUT OF JAIL?

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., and a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to talk to him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
             
FRIVOLOUS FLORIDA INMATE LAWSUITS

Prisoner claims discrimination because he was not given a Department of Corrections raincoat like other inmates. (Walker v. DOC)

Prisoner sues to be served fresh rather than reconstituted milk. (Gerteisen v. Bowers)

Prisoner sues for right to conduct martial arts sparring and full-contact fighting as part of his religion. (Gibson v. Miller)

Prisoner sues over being served three cheese sandwiches a day for one week while in disciplinary confinement. (Derks v. Perrin, Jr.)

Prisoner sues because he was required to eat off of a paper plate. (Procup v. Strickland, et al)

Prisoner who has filed more than 140 actions in state and federal court sues over finding gristle in his turkey leg. (Attwood v. Bowers)

Prisoner sues to be served fruit juice at meals and three pancakes instead of two. (Spradley v. Rathman)

Prisoner who murdered five people sues after lightning knocks out the prison's TV satellite dish and he must watch network programs which he says contain violence, profanity and other objectionable material. (Jackson v. Barton)

Prisoner sues to be given Reeboks, Adidas, Pony or Avia brand hightops rather than inferior brand sneakers issued by prison. (Brown v. Singletary)

Prisoner who lost a lawsuit claiming his rights as a Muslim were violated because the prison put "essence of swine" in his food announces his conversion to satanism and sues for tarot cards and doves' blood. (Marshall v. DOC)

Officer Allan forwards another one. . . .

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

________________________________________________

A true story out of San Francisco:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

________________________________________________

Pontiac, Michigan

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

________________________________________________

Oklahoma City:

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off."  The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

________________________________________________

Detroit:

R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

________________________________________________

Colorado Springs:

A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

_________________________________________________

Charlotte, NC:

A man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."  After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine!

        Thanks for sending that through, Allan!

Click here to return to Salem the Soldier's COPS Page!